Ugh, I just got an email with one more declined job application. Again. That’s so frustrating. I’m taking my time, writing out all these applications, writing motivational letters, and even finishing my portfolio. All for what? 10 rejections. What am I even good for? I’m pretty sure you’ve followed this mental path in your head at least once in your life. Probably, if you’re reading this right now, more like ten thousand times. It’s so easy to get caught up in frustrating thoughts. The way from some random, automatically generated rejection to the depressing self-doubt that deprives you of any motivation to fight for a better life is way too short. But what should you do about it? And how can such frustration actually be beneficial to your growth and self-worth?
Frustration is an absolutely normal reaction to something that doesn’t meet your expectations. It’s common, and you cannot escape it. So what do we learn from that? You need to accept it. You will be frustrated, no matter what. So you better get used to it sooner than later. You see, if you want to live frustration-free, that indicates that you’re trying to distance yourself from reality. As my therapist said to me, if you don’t accept reality, then there are only a few places to be. How does it work? Well, as I stated previously, frustration isn’t a reaction to something; it is a result. That means there was a trigger for it. Something happened, or you did something. So to cause frustration, you need to act. And if you act, you will always face frustration at some point. Small children fall so many times, but they get up and get to their goal anyway. Imagine what would happen if they got frustrated after the first fall and never got up because it hurts, and they’re now afraid of hurting themselves ever again. Yeah, humanity would die out pretty quickly.
Earlier this year, I started the great and tedious job application process. I knew I wanted a cool, well-paid position in a progressive and modern company. Yikes, those are some expectations. Who are they hiring? How good am I supposed to be—good enough to deserve all this? Long story short, I applied. To one job. One. And guess what? They rejected me. What a surprise. I cried in the car as I read the email. I thought everything of myself. I mean, everything I wasn’t good at. Then a groundbreaking thought entered my mind. But what are the statistics? Okay, I’ve been rejected; we know that by now, but how many times did I apply? One. This was a one-off case. Then I thought to myself, What would happen if I applied ten times? Will I get rejected ten times as well? Will I get one rejection and nine job interviews? How can I find it out? By fucking applying, Karl. I’m serious. Yes, rejection frustrated me. I almost spiraled into negative self-talk (my special talent) from this one rejection. But it doesn’t mean anything on a larger scale. A one-off isn’t a representative statistic. You wouldn’t want to take medication tested on one patient, would you? Yeah, here we go. To get an objective opinion about my CV, my abilities, and my self-presentation, I needed to gain a critical mass of data to actually know what employers think of my profile. And if the statistics are not good, then I need to rework my CV. It’s as easy as that, and already sounds like a plan. Two weeks and 30 applications later, I’ve been rejected ten times. And you know what? I was absolutely fine with that. Crying after one rejection and being confident in my skills after ten. How does it work? Well, on the way, I also got about four job interviews, did three skill tests, and had more interviews with higher managers. I actually found companies I like and would love to work for. I rewrote my CV at least ten times and finished my portfolio, which had been rotting in my drafts for two months and if we’re being completely honest, the last five years. Furthermore, I was happy about those rejections because they ended up not meeting all of my expectations for a job anyway. But it was important to apply to gain experience. I’ve gotten frustrated on the way a lot—30 applications with custom application letters is no joke—but at the end, I was happy to just be closer to the desired result aka employment.
So we agree by now that frustration is a consistent part of reality, and there’s nothing you can do to escape it. If you do something, the world will react to your action, and the reaction will not always be positive, so you’ll naturally get frustrated. If you do nothing, you’ll just stagnate, and frustration will be a natural part of your reaction on nothing happening in your life, including your dreams staying unfulfilled. Both ways of doing something or nothing will also result in some amount of frustration. Both of these frustrations will be difficult to tolerate, but it’s your choice what kind of frustration you want to tolerate. Sitting unemployed on your parents’ old couch and worrying about rising living expenses with no salary in sight is frustrating. Dealing with tons of rejections while trying to get employed is also frustrating, but at least you’re moving in the direction of the desired result. Yes, it’s hard. Both frustrations are hard. Choose your hard.
It is very childish to expect the world to swirl around your wishes and expectations. The companies are also frustrated by the hideous number of bad applications. By getting frustrated, you’re exposed to the areas in you and your life that are lacking improvement. Where there’s frustration, there’s growth. Where there’s pain, there’s growth. Where there’s fear, there’s what? Right, growth. You see, this is what they all mean when they say that nothing can be earned easily. That doesn’t mean that you’ll need to pack your two-and-a-half belongings and live on the street while grinding for success, as shown in the movies. That only means that the actual mountain is you. That is the real truth. You’ll get frustrated on the way, but these moments will only make you better. Frustration points are growth indicators. Use them as your navigation system. It is telling you where your self-doubt lives. Don’t feed it by not taking action. Instead, accept that there will be frustration on the way, but it is a part of it. And that’s also beautiful. Every experience is just an experience that gets you closer to your goals and visions. If you’re frustrated with your action, improve the action. Don’t try to escape the frustration.
I always thought that I had bad luck choosing men. I tried so hard, but the end was always the same. At some point, under the flag of self-love and respect, I decided that if there’s frustration, then it’s not it. You know those overly confident girls on the internet (I adore them and want to be like them when I grow up) who tell you to drop him at the first inconvenience? Yeah, I also found out that’s the avoidant attachment style, but this is a topic for another time. And I watched other couples go through stuff I could never imagine going through with my partner. There’s only so little guarantee that this will last, that I won’t tolerate anything if it doesn’t meet my expectations. Bullshit, I tolerated pretty much. The point is, no relationship is perfect. Not with a man, not even with yourself. To gain frustration tolerance, you’ll need to learn to be frustrated with yourself, too. Because how can you tolerate frustration in a relationship with your significant other if you’re policing what you eat, how you talk, and why you do it anyway? Nothing is perfect, and that’s fine. Your imperfections make you and your relationship unique. By any chance, stop focusing on your losses and start counting your wins. Who cares about how many times your job application has been rejected? It’s more important how many applications you sent out, how many revisions you made to your CV, and how well you prepared for that job interview. You’re not responsible for the result, only for your action and effort. Moreover, please keep in mind that other people project their fears and weaknesses onto you. So, mostly, they don’t even have anything to do with you or your self-expression.
So, what does it mean for my relationships? I’ve gained experience through frustrating relationships; I’ve gained awareness of my weaknesses and had the chance to work on them. I would’ve never been here writing this if not for all of those frustrating moments. It all helped me get here, as I am today. I’m happy to experience frustrating relationships, knowing that they will only get better as I’m getting more tools to navigate them better. I’m happy to get rejected to know that this is not the place to waste my recourse and I can move on to the next opportunity. Just accept that not everything goes according to your plan. There’s only so much you can know about this world and all of its beautiful opportunities. You can only plan based on your [very] limited knowledge. Do you really only want what you know? That would be a boring life, and you really don’t want to limit yourself to that.
Gaining frustration tolerance doesn’t mean that you eliminate the feeling of frustration from your life. You’ll get sad and angry and doubt yourself on the way. Feel all of those feelings. You cannot be perfect. There will always be someone better than you, smarter than you, and somebody who has a little more luck than you. Let yourself feel it all. Cry if you need to, punch a boxing bag if you need to, and run 10 miles if it makes you feel better. Shake off the frustration. Accept the defeat and go on stronger than you were before. You’ve gained more knowledge; you know about your weakness, and you can work on it for the next time to be better. And you’ll perform better. You’ll get that job. You’ll be happy in that relationship. Furthermore, you’ll face the frustration again. It’s inevitable. And it’s your choice and chance to make the best of it and learn the most out of it.
Here you go. I hope this article helped you gain more confidence and acceptance of frustration, as there’s no way around it. Just pick the kind of frustration you want to experience and go for it! Don’t forget to cheer yourself up and celebrate even small results (more about that can be read in my article about the importance of celebrating small wins).
Love you,
Lorena