I took the summer off social media to work on my art behind the scenes. Something about having to film my every step and movement in the studio was throwing me off it. At some point, it felt like a job where I needed to perform every second, or it’s not worth it because the picture is not perfect, the angle is false. I need to film for the newest microtrend of the week. Of course, I’m exhausted before even beginning because I can’t be in front of the camera looking like the slob I actually am. And none of these pressure points have anything to do with the art itself. It screws me up that nobody is going to take an interest in the art itself if at least one of those would be neglected. So I took the time off to concentrate on myself as an artist and person, to gain more skill, so I feel less pressure when filmed making art, and most important, to get inspiration.
As my insta bio states, I process my emotions through art. Naturally, I’m a very emotional person. It was always clear to me that these emotions cannot stay inside of me, or they are going to destroy me. Art was my first choice since my very childhood to express my feelings. Growing up (I talked about it previously), I had years when I would do, like, no art at all (I used to sew in that time), but I went mental. So when I returned to art, it was very dark. Here I must say that in the same time I did my textile design engineering degree, so almost all of my creativity went there. But what fun is it to work on something you have not the slightest interest in? Another philosophical question right here: doing creative stuff on a duty to be in a free fall but stuck in the crisis.
So, coming back to my art, at that time, it was dark. Like really dark. This is why you [will] never see it on the internet. I will get blocked by the platform quickly. So a conflict began to form. Art gave me freedom from my emotions because I would express them and leave them on a canvas or paper. At the same time, the process of making art would frighten me because it would demand that I actually go through these emotions and feel them to be able to express them in the first place. Freedom comes through pain. Therefore, instead of relief, I was stuck in a circle. Feeling bad art—feeling worse—doing darker art. I think, at some point, my brain thought I was getting hurt from doing art. So I stopped. The only thing that was left was the university with its “express yourself, but not too much—stay understandable for the masses.”
Well, after the university, I ran into self-employment, opening diverse online stores and experimenting with “easier to digest” forms of art, such as selling posters of sketches, photographs, and even t-shirts. Burnout came quickly, not only because it was mainly a one-woman show, but also because I can’t physically follow this path of “making digestible art that sells.” It hurts me inside, and in reality, it isn’t even that different from the uni stuff I was forced to produce (because it was a mass production of stuff).
Here I’ll skip forward to more present days for the sake of brevity and focus on art and not me being a “grown-up adult” with a scientific degree in something “that would actually pay my bills.”
This summer, I went deeper into my art. What I discovered left me a bit frightened, but also happy that I’ve finally made at least some kind of decision. I’m not sure if that’s so apparent for everyone here, as there’s just not enough visual evidence (yes, I sit on a pile of art that the world has never seen), but most of my artwork is portraits. Most works contain people. Why does it matter? Well, I do claim to make art about emotions. And this one observation gives me a very specific clue that regardless of what the story of the artwork is, it will always show a human being (also predominantly a woman) that acts like an ambassador of this feeling. You can basically read it from her face, or body posture, or symbolisms left here and there.
The first key to my art direction was found—I want to paint portraits and portraits only. There’s so much a human face can say, express, and communicate. This fascinates me so much because I was always afraid of niching down my art. I always wanted to keep all the options on the table, but as the famous quote says, “If you serve everybody, you serve no one.” And I think it’s true. I wasn’t serving myself, trying to paint anything and everything. And doing that, I was entirely ignoring my fun while painting portraits. So, what I think in the end made it so a little painful to actually niche down was the fact that I was able to derive it from what I was actually doing. Not being forced to choose a direction and just stick to it. It’s just that I think of things, emotions, and feelings as people.
The second key, framing me this summer, was the fact that I was capable of putting my childhood ability to visualize reading books. The ability to see loud and clear everything into detail what I was reading about was always there. Funny, it helped me out later in school’s geometry classes! I need to do one step back, and state that I’m mentally in the best place ever. The last year was very healing for my soul, my heart, and my body. There is some drama in my external life, but it doesn’t impact me so much that I would be able to press more out of it as there is. It’s mostly because this drama doesn’t belong to me. Having so much inner peace, love, and abundance naturally strips me from my primary source for my art: my emotions. And maybe (but only maybe!), I’ve conditioned myself through the years to only pint when I need to get something negative out of my mind. Moreover, after so many years in dark places, I’m so greedy of my positive emotions that I want to keep the all in. As a result, for the most, I’m not my only source of those any more. And here is the moment where we come back to the books! I think, you’ve already guessed it: I read the books with all of their drama and the scenes, the characters and their emotions fly into my mind on a speed not imaginable for a human being.
In conclusion, I would just like to mention that I’ve possibly found my personal heaven: read the books and paint what I feel. Two of my most favourite worlds can indeed be united, and I don’t need to feel guilty when I’m doing one ignoring another. So, here you have the absolutely new definition of my art: I read books and paint their characters. Of course, it won’t be the only direction, as there are also cool things on the side. But for the first time, make yourself ready to read more about the books, their character, and why I formed them as they are.
I’m so looking forward to the discussions about this type of art, as we all know that everybody has a different view on things. And countless people get very fast disappointed when they see movies with their favourite characters being as far from their imagination while reading a book as possible. But isn’t that fun!?
Feel free to suggest what books I should read and make the art! Let’s see if we can build a bookish artsy club out of it!
Also, if you want to model for me, let me know! I love to paint different faces and stories! Just DM me on insta or write me an email.
Love you,
Lorena